I haven't meditated in a few days. My decision-making has been impulsive and scattered. I have spent hours doing things that were only about 25% useful. I have been far away from my ideal. It's amazing how far away I can get from my ideal. It's like I forget that I believe it should be occupying every moment of my life. My ideal is simply that I should be always in a meditative state, which is a state in which you are able to be satisfied doing nothing, and that I should make decisions patiently, relaxedly, and with bright attention to the question of whether what I'm considering doing meets my highest values and desires. More simply, my ideal that is that I should meditate and select every action with full mindfulness. I've been pretty far from that. But I'm getting back on track.

I was at M.I.A. (Minneapolis Institute of Art) just now and I realized a few things. One was re-realizing that I need to meditate. Another was that I need to create and put myself out there. I need to make music, write screenplays, write nonfiction, and maybe even write fiction and I need to put it out there. There's just no other way that I'm going to find a place in this world other than if I externalize and concretize my ideas and beliefs (or "suspicions") and put them before other people.

The program for me now is like this:

• Meditation, by itself and during all the following activities
• To-do list
• Piano lessons: Do a stellar job at every lesson I have, promote my lessons so I keep getting more students, and practice piano myself so I have an active well of experience to draw from when teaching
• Research cardiovascular disease and health more generally and come up with a personalized health plan for myself
• Make music (this is listed as part of "Piano lessons" above but maybe deserves its own bullet point)
• Write screenplays
• Write my ideas on this blog
• Other things like going to museums, writing fiction, reading religious texts or anything else that I decide with an absolutely bright-shining attention that I truly want to do, but only if I still feel like I want to do it when I'm satisfied and patient in the stillness of meditation, meaning it is being decided on smartly and not with a drop of impulsivity.

...and the idea is that I never do anything else. That list is my whole life, from waking up to falling asleep every day. (Hopefully I can integrate it enough that I stick to it even when dreaming.) Notice that meditation, in addition to being an activity of its own, is also happening during all the other activities. That means that my goal is to be meditating all the time. 

Over the past few days I've done things that are absolutely not on that list, such as play piano while not in a meditative state, research health while not in a meditative state, and think about pointless stuff. The fact that I was not in a meditative state during those first two things made the product of that time I spent much less valuable than it would have been otherwise. Being in a mindless state, disconnected from my actual life around me, I made small mistakes and compromises that I won't list here but I'm just lucky I wasn't out on my bike, going way too fast, and slip on some ice and out in front of a car. The level of mindfulness I had would not have prevented that. Due to dumb luck alone, the prices I paid were much smaller. 

Well, it seems like it's approaching a functional certainty that making creative products (music, films, writings) and putting them out there is an imperative alongside meditating and making money. 

Hearing myself say that, I ask, but if it doesn't happen spontaneously as a result of asking myself what I truly want to do in a moment, should I be doing it? Isn't that extrinsic? If there is a piano in the room and I don't approach it and play it for intrinsic, in-the-moment purposes, doesn't that mean that doing would mean doing it for ulterior motives, and the whole effort would be damned from the beginning?

I'm being so sloppily inarticulate right now. What am I even talking about? There have been two points to this post: 1) I have an ideal for myself that I have not been following for the last few days, and I intend to get back on track, the foundational key for which is meditation. And I hope to stay on track! With meditation! 2) I spend huge amounts of my time alone. I have substantive conversations very infrequently, but I have substantive thoughts frequently (potentially a problem). I don't have a romantic partner. I'm not very connected to the human social fabric. I'm lonely! I want a wife! And some friends who I spend more time with! Being deeply woven into the social fabric, insofar as what you express is authentic, is good, I'm leaning toward believing, and I am not deeply woven in. How would I get woven in? I need to connect to the people who, when we are both being totally authentic, we have substantive things to do together and talk about. I think the only hope I have of finding this is to start talking about the things that are already meaningful to me and see who has anything substantive to say about them. Ugh...it's an interesting thought but I'm going to have to flesh it out more and make it more real because right now it's pretty weak. It's saying something though. I'm alone. That's clear. Being woven into a social fabric is preferable to being alone, all other things being equal. That's actually pretty clear too. Expressing my most interesting (to me) thoughts, theories, and feelings in art and writing in a way that's as interesting to me as possible, and then putting that in places where other people will find it and be able to talk to me about it would be the best way of finding the people who are most interested in my deepest thoughts, theories, and feelings, which are the things the most valuable friendships would be based on. I just can't think of any other strategy that's as likely to work. So that's a pretty compelling argument right there for making music, making films, writing my thoughts, and trying to get them in front of audiences. BUT I get hung up on the fact that then I'd be making the art for an ulterior motive. It's stupid though. I'm not going to decide what the right path is right now in this text box. It's just a thought for me to keep in mind as I figure out what to do moment to moment.
What was I thinking about at M.I.A.? That expressing myself and creating things is good. Creating music, screenplays, nonfiction, or whatever other vehicles could help me externalize and concretize the things that have meaning to me on the inside. And especially with films and nonfiction, part of the impulse is to communicate something to other people. To express opinions. To expose other humans on earth to my thoughts, which are beliefs that don't get much exposure. To say something. The music thing might be a little more personal, but still I can see the fun in having other people hear my peculiar musical thoughts and having my idiosyncratic top be among the tops that are spinning in the musical landscape.
Well, thanks for reading my diary today. I guess the second lesson is that inside has to come out. (First lesson was meditate.) It's only healthy to create. To externalize what's inside, and to clarify what's inside in the process. Okay, no conclusions reached, just thoughts, I'll do some more thinking.